Is It Normal to Love Your Partner but Not Want Sex?
I have couples land in my online couple’s counseling office all the time asking this question. The short answer is it’s very common to love your partner deeply and still experience little or no sexual desire for them at certain points in a relationship.
It can be super scary for a couple to notice a change in desire, especially if it’s historically felt satisfactory. The encouraging thing is that loss of sexual desire does not automatically mean:
something is “wrong” with you
you are no longer attracted to your partner
your relationship is failing
Sexual desire is influenced by many factors- emotional, relational, psychological, physical, and contextual- and it often changes over time. Just like a relationship changes and evolves over time, so does sexual desire.
Why Can Love and Sexual Desire Feel Disconnected?
Love and sexual desire are related, but they are not the same system in the brain.
You can feel:
emotional safety
affection
commitment
partnership
…without feeling sexual urgency or erotic pull in the same way you once did.
This disconnect is especially common in long-term relationships.
Common Reasons Someone May Love Their Partner but Not Want Sex
1. Stress and Mental Load
Chronic stress, parenting demands, work pressure, and emotional labor can suppress sexual desire—even in loving relationships.
2. Emotional Distance or Unresolved Tension
You may still love your partner while feeling:
unseen
unheard
resentful
emotionally disconnected
These experiences often affect desire more than attraction does.
3. Changes in Desire Style
Many people experience a shift from spontaneous desire to responsive desire over time. This means desire no longer appears “out of nowhere” and instead emerges after emotional or physical connection.
4. Hormonal or Physical Factors
Hormonal changes, medications, fatigue, illness, and postpartum or perimenopausal shifts can all impact libido without changing love or attraction.
5. Relationship Predictability
Familiarity and routine can make sex feel less novel, even when the relationship itself feels stable and secure.
Does Not Wanting Sex Mean I’m No Longer Attracted to My Partner?
Not necessarily.
Attraction can exist without desire showing up easily or frequently. Desire is more sensitive to:
context
emotional safety
stress
novelty
feeling desired yourself
A lack of desire is often a signal, not a verdict.
Is This a Problem That Needs to Be “Fixed”?
Not always.
It becomes important to address when:
one or both partners feel distressed
there is growing resentment or shame
sex has become a source of pressure or conflict
communication has shut down
Ignoring the issue tends to increase distance. Addressing it calmly and collaboratively often reduces it.
Can Couples Therapy Help When Desire Doesn’t Match?
Yes! Especially online couples therapy, which allows partners to explore sensitive topics with privacy, flexibility, and professional support.
In therapy, couples often work on:
understanding desire differences without blame
rebuilding emotional connection
improving communication around sex
reducing pressure and performance anxiety
redefining intimacy in ways that feel mutual and sustainable
If you’re exploring this option, you can learn more about how therapy works here:
👉 Online Couples Therapy: https://www.gabbyjimmerson.com/online-couples-therapy
When Should We Consider Professional Support?
You may want to seek support if:
the issue feels stuck or repetitive
conversations about sex lead to conflict or shutdown
one partner feels rejected or unwanted
you want help navigating desire differences without harming the relationship
Support does not mean failure—it often means clarity.
A Reassuring Takeaway
Loving your partner and struggling with sexual desire is common and workable.
Desire changes. Relationships evolve. With understanding, communication, and the right support, many couples find new ways to connect both emotionally and sexually without forcing themselves into a version of intimacy that no longer fits.
