Why We Get Lost in Romantasy and What We Miss in Real-Life
The Fabio-featured romance novels of our mother’s and grandmother’s era has a new brand: enter “romantasy” genre. This bingeable genre is often dismissed as escapist fantasy- Simple Yet Beautiful Female Main Character with hidden secrets and gifts meets Dark and Tortured Main Male Character to create perfectly timed tension and fiery desire at every turn. But if we step back, there’s something deeper going on: these stories often capture truths about desire, connection, and intimacy that many couples struggle to see in real life.
This might be obvious, but romantasy is fiction. And as it’s grown in popularity, in my work offering online couples therapy and online therapy in Tennessee, I often see couples longing for these same qualities but unsure how to create them in real life. I’ve noticed that many patterns in real relationships like miscommunication, mismatched desire, shame, and guilt are often absent in these stories. In their absence, the novels point toward what we secretly want: : emotional attunement, anticipation, and freedom from judgment.
Why We Get Lost in Romantasy
In real life, sexual desire is influenced by fatigue, stress, hormonal shifts, and life transitions. Partners often feel pressure to match each other’s libido or to perform on demand. Romantasy cuts through that nuance, showing desire as something natural, mutual, and emotionally rich.
Here’s what it gets right:
Consent is central but sexy: Characters often navigate desire with explicit, enthusiastic consent. In real life, this is a lesson many couples could learn from.
Desire is responsive, not constant: Romantasy often shows that attraction and arousal can build through connection and tension, rather than existing as a fixed trait. This aligns with research on responsive desire in long-term relationships (see Why Sexual Desire Changes in Long-Term Relationships).
Emotional intimacy fuels desire: Unlike real-life stereotypes where sex is “separate” from feelings, these stories tie desire to understanding, respect, and emotional closeness.
What We Miss in Real-Life About Desire
Real-life couples face cultural myths, mismatched expectations, and unspoken rules that interfere with intimacy:
Desire should always be spontaneous and equal. Many believe a “normal” libido exists for everyone at all times (read more: The Myth of ‘Normal’ Sex Drives).
Intimacy is optional outside of sex. Emotional disconnection quietly erodes desire, even in couples who “still love each other.”
Stress and fatigue aren’t sexy. Life obligations often override desire, leading partners to feel shame about wanting or not wanting sex.
Romantasy sidesteps all these pressures, giving readers a model for how desire thrives when connection, curiosity, and safety are prioritized.
Lessons Couples Can Take From Romantasy
While real life can never fully mirror a novel, couples can translate the underlying principles into everyday intimacy:
Prioritize emotional closeness. Shared experiences, playful communication, and attention to your partner’s world feed desire.
See desire as dynamic. Libido naturally ebbs and flows; mismatched desire is normal and navigable through communication and empathy.
Remove judgment. Shame, guilt, or pressure kills desire faster than any life stressor. Approach desire differences with curiosity.
Make space for anticipation. Intentional date nights, flirtation, or small surprises recreate some of the tension and play found in stories.
For couples struggling with mismatched desire or communication challenges, online couples therapy can provide a structured, supportive space to explore these dynamics and reignite both sexual and emotional connection.
Why This Matters for Your Relationship
I’m no snob- my TBR and Kindle Unlimited is bursting with romantasy. But it’s not instructive. By seeing desire as fluid, relational, and responsive, couples can shift their perspective from “what’s wrong with me or my partner?” to “how can we understand each other and build intimacy together?”
If you’ve ever felt like your sex drive doesn’t match your partner’s or that desire has dwindled over time, know that this is normal, and tools like communication exercises, shared intimacy strategies, online couples therapy, and online therapy in Tennessee can help you reconnect in ways that are realistic, enjoyable, and fulfilling.
