Sex Toys 101: A Guide for Beginners
If you’ve never used a sex toy before, here me loud and clear: you’re not behind and you’re definitely not alone.
I have adults landing in my office all the time who have never been taught how to explore their own body or even learned that it's permissible to do so. So if you feel unsure, awkward, or even a little intimidated by the idea of sex toys, that makes sense.
This article is intended to just be a starting place. As you explore and learn, it’s important to free yourself from expectations or pressure…this is just information so you can make your own choices.
First: What sex toys are (and what they’re not)
Sex toys are simply tools that create different kinds of sensation: pressure, vibration, fullness, or movement.
They are not:
A replacement for a partner
A sign something is “missing”
Something you have to use
They’re just an option. Think of them as a way to get to know your body a little more clearly.
Why people use them
Many people, especially those with vulvas, don’t orgasm from penetration alone. In fact, most people need some form of external stimulation.
Sex toys can:
Make sensation easier to access
Help you learn what your body responds to
Reduce pressure to “perform” a certain way
Support pleasure without needing to already “know what you’re doing”
The simplest place to start
If you’re brand new, simpler is better.
Look for something that is:
External (used on the outside of the body)
Small and non-intimidating
Easy to control (1–3 buttons max)
A small vibrator (often called a “bullet vibrator”) is usually the easiest entry point because it allows you to explore sensation without needing to figure out insertion or positioning.
A quick overview of common types
You don’t need all of these, this is just orientation:
External vibrators → stimulation on the outside of the body (often easiest for beginners)
Internal toys (like dildos) → create a sense of fullness or internal pressure
Combination toys → offer both internal and external stimulation
Anal toys → designed specifically for safety and comfort with that part of the body
There’s no “next step” you’re supposed to move toward. Many people only ever prefer one category.
How to actually start (this is the part people skip)
Instead of trying to “do it right,” think in terms of curiosity.
You might:
Start by simply holding the toy against your body (even over clothing)
Notice what feels neutral, pleasant, or too intense
Adjust pressure, speed, or location
Stop whenever you want
There is no goal you have to reach.
A few important basics
Go slower than you think you need to
Start with lower intensity settings
Use lubricant if anything feels dry or uncomfortable
Choose body-safe materials (like silicone)
Always clean your toy after use with warm water and mild, unscented soap or a specialized sex toy cleanser
If it feels awkward…that’s normal
Trying something new with your body can feel surprisingly vulnerable.
You might feel:
Self-conscious
Unsure what you’re “supposed” to feel
Distracted or disconnected
None of that means you’re doing it wrong.
This is a learning process > not a performance.
Final thought
You don’t need to become someone different to explore this.
You’re just learning your body in a new way with a little more support. Learning about your body and exploring your pleasure can be exciting, liberating, confusing, scary, and everything in between. If you have questions and want support in your journey, I’m available for consultation or ongoing sex therapy. I’d be honored to support you. Contact me here to get in touch.
